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-- M.S.S. Updates --
January 12 - Furloughed Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf (M.S.S.) has a brand new "gig" (that's entertainment industry lingo)- TV talking head for Abu Dhabi TV! His latest commentary on the capture of Saddam included this, uh, curious statement: "The expected trial needs evidence to be submitted. Everybody talks about war crimes and the like. But the court considers facts and evidence only." Because we all know how much M.S.S. believes in the sanctity of facts and evidence. We forget, are their troops in Baghdad yet?
December 15 - M.S.S. reacts to news of Saddam's capture on
al-Jazeera: "The place where Saddam had been caught is
an old hideout, known to many Iraqi leadership members. I don't believe
that Saddam used such a very well known hideout". We think the whole war
thing might have given away the fact that Saddam doesn't always make the
greatest tactical choices.
September 23 - Furloughed Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf (M.S.S.) gives new interview with Abu Dhabi TV in which he makes maybe the first accurate statement of his public career: "Saddam believed that he will lose the war if it erupts." What a shocking prediction.
August 18 - The Editors of WLTIIM.com announce the launch of their newest "fan" site in honor of another very quotable man, WeLoveArnold.com. In protest, furloughed Iraqi M.S.S. immediately announces that he is now too a candidate for California governor. "There is no Arnold!" M.S.S. declares. "This is a lie of the olooj editors of this infidel site. I am not afraid and neither should you be. I repeat, there are no Arnolds in Sacramento. Never!"
August 11 - The LA Times reports that the Iraqi military was itself fooled by the creative reporting of furloughed Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf (M.S.S.): "After the information minister claimed that Iraqi forces had retaken the Baghdad airport from U.S. troops, two former commanders said, Republican Guard Gen. Mohammed Daash was dispatched to check out a rumor that four or five American tanks had survived the Iraqi counterattack. Daash returned to his headquarters in a panic. "Four or five tanks!'' the commanders quoted Daash as telling his fellow generals. "Are you out of your minds? The whole damn American Army is at the airport!'' "
August 4 - The Crack Editorial Staff returns from their long
and richly deserved July vacation. Apologies for the lack of news, but,
hey, it's the summer, so we don't really care. New Items of Interest that
July 11 - M.S.S. makes a sudden appearance in Abu Dhabi, saying he might not return to Iraq. "When I leave I always have in my mind that I might not come down this road again, but I'm working and praying to God that I can return to Baghdad one day," he said on Abu Dhabi Television. The Abu Dhabi Information Minister? Doesn't quite have the same ring to it...
June 28 - M.S.S. announces that he is going to write a book about his experiences in which he will reveal details about the collapse of the Ba'athist regime. "What the public has is only a small part of the picture," he told an interviewer. "The rest will emerge when I write my book." Move over Harry Potter...
June 27 - What happened to his hair?!?! And what's with the
old man glasses? Did he lose his stylist to Rumsfeld? More quotes
from the new interview with M.S.S.:
Breaking News - June 26 - The man has
returned!!!! Al-Arabiya TV announces that M.S.S. will reappear Friday for the first
time since the fall of Baghdad in an interview conducted in his "hideout
in Baghdad," that will be aired at 1900 GMT Friday. However, clips from
the interview have already been aired, so finally, after months of painful
waiting, we have
June 25 - The Daily Mirror reports that U.S. troops have arrested M.S.S., at a roadblock in a Baghdad suburb. HOWEVER, a senior Pentagon official then said Wednesday no information exists to support the article. "Right now we have no information that that's true," said Colonel Jay DeFrank, a Pentagon spokesman. We are so confused....
June 16 - The backlash begins, but round one goes to M.S.S.: the advertising standards authority in Great Britain dismisses complaints about the Ryanair advertising campaign, which used images of M.S.S. About 15 members of the public complained about the adverts, but the authority concluded that, although the campaign was "distasteful", it was not likely to cause serious or widespread offence.
June 9 - And the awards start rolling in: Furloughed Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf (M.S.S.) is named "Stupidest Person in the World" at the first annual World Stupidity Awards, held in Canada. And so the first, albeit small, step in his long campaign for the Nobel Peace Prize is completed.
June 3 - M.S.S. finally gets his own movie! The Baghdad Broadcasting Corporation announces the release of the Baghdad Bob DVD, a compilation of his unforgettable live performances. George W. Bush immediately orders 500 copies of "his man" in action, and Christmas shopping for the West Wing staff is finished early this year.
June 1 - UK paper The Mail on Sunday reported it had tracked down M.S.S. The newspaper said it found him "cowering in his modest home, terrified his own people will kill him". The paper described him as "a broken man, spending his days pacing his study in his uniform and green beret". He refused to talk to the paper and friends said he may never go out in public again. "The family are worried he is going out of his mind", according to one friend. This site immediately sends him a muffin basket in hopes of cheering him up.
31 May -- In quest for reliable information on current whereabouts of furloughed Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf (M.S.S.), correspondent for this website embeds in a "key country known to be important to the Minister and his immediate family."... Radio silence will be maintained throughout two-week "vacation", during which Daily Update to be written by a series of prominent Pulitzer Prize winners.
30 May -- Feverish speculation, fueled by yesterday's report of Wolfowitz interview, that desire to showcase former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf (M.S.S.) was "real reason" for US invasion... Sales of high-quality M.S.S. product line hold steady despite renewed public interest.
29 May -- Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz now says US war aims were more varied than heretofore acknowledged: "For bureaucratic reasons, we settled on weapons of mass destruction because it was the one reason everyone could agree on," Wolfowitz tells Vanity Fair... Wolfowitz cites other "huge" issues, but tellingly makes no mention of pivotal Pentagon concern that M.S.S. might have been assigned to an obscure ambassadorship if US troops had not invaded at earliest possible moment.
28 May -- Reuters reports that al-Jazeera Television will replace its CEO while denying claims that the ouster is "due to allegations the channel had been infiltrated by Iraqi intelligence"... Insiders detect the fingerprints of M.S.S., apparent mastermind of the infiltration and now the leading candidate for the al-Jazeera top job.
27 May -- Last Friday's announcement by occupation administrator Paul Bremer that the Iraq Ministry of Information has been "dissolved" leads to worldwide clamor for news of the most recent head of that ministry, M.S.S. ... Answer may lie within rich stew of Pentagon rumors that M.S.S. soon will be announced as replacement for current Defense spokesperson Victoria "Torey" Clarke, expected to be named as President's Special Commiserative Envoy to retired General Jay Garner.
26 May -- Memorial Day (US) observed today, chiefly through mass attempts to lie in sand. Stalwart admirers of M.S.S. gather across the country to place flowers, berets, and "infidel discs" at the foot of giant impromptu effigies of the much-missed M.S.S.
The First Update - 9 April – Last known remark of M.S.S., to John Burns of NY Times : "I NOW INFORM YOU THAT YOU ARE TOO FAR FROM REALITY."
"There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"
"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all"
"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"
"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!"
"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."
"They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks."
"No I am not scared, and neither should you be!"
"Be assured. Baghdad is safe, protected"
"Who are in control, they are not in control of anything - they don't even control themselves!"
"We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned."
"The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies."
"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that
"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place."
"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."
"The authority of the civil defense ... issued a warning to
the civilian population not to pick up any of those pencils because they
are booby traps," he said, adding that the British and American forces
were "immoral mercenaries" and "war criminals" for such behavior.
"We have them surrounded in their tanks"
"The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!"
"I have detailed information about the situation...which completely proves that what they allege are illusions . . . They lie every day."
"Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President Saddam Hussein will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honor and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts."
"Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there. But at the end we are the people who are laying siege to them. And it is not them who are besieging us."
"because we will behead you all"
"Let the American infidels bask in their illusion"
"I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad."
Britain "is not worth an old shoe"
"we have given them a sour taste"
Of US troops: "They are most welcome. We will butcher them."
"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."
"We are in control. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by killing civilians and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards."
"The British forces which were dropped there have been eliminated mostly on the (battle)field, except for those who fled ... It is a complete defeat ... Amazingly the Americans have pushed the British to do that. They pushed them ahead as if it is an experiment. The result was very tragic for the British."
“We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead”
"Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire"
"I speak better English than this villain Bush"
"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying"
"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are
not in any
"Their failure in this regard is abysmal. They want to tell the world changes thought - as a matter of fact, they do not respect the world, they want to tell taxpayers and the domestic public to keep them deceived. We will embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the quagmire. They have begun to tell more lies so that they might continue with the perpetration of their crimes. May they be accursed."
"We will kill them all........most of them."
"They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces."
"They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!"
"I would like to clarify a simple fact here: How can you lay siege to a whole country? Who is really under siege now? Baghdad cannot be besieged. Al-Nasiriyah cannot be besieged. Basra cannot be besieged."
"That bastard the American Minister of Defense Rumsfeld, and I won't say shamelessly, because they don't know what shame means. These are criminals. The whole word can hear the warning sirens. This criminal sitting in the White House is a pathetic criminal and his Defense Minister deserves to be beaten. These criminals lie to the world because they are criminals by nature and conditioning. They consider this a military site! Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the American people in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you!"
"They are trapped in Umm Qasr. They are trapped near Basra. They are trapped near Nasiriyah. They are trapped near Najaf. They are trapped everywhere."
Called Americans and Brits "Tarateer"– In Iraqi slang, Tartoor means a guy full of farts (i.e. hot air)
"they are nowhere near the airport ..they are lost in the desert...they can not read a compass...they are retarded."
"They are not in Baghdad. They are not in control of any airport. I tell you this. It is all a lie. They lie. It is a hollywood movie. You do not believe them."
"Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege. Therefore, in reality whatever this miserable Rumsfeld has been saying, he was talking about his own forces. Now even the American command is under siege."
"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."
"Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly."
"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's
soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not
be forgotten by history. Truly."
"Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport."
"The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed."
"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."
"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."
"Today I have visited whole Baghdad city, no invaders found. You go and see how we have ousted them from this city. They are cying outside and waiting to receive bullets. They will be killed shortly."
"These images are not the suburbs of Baghdad. From what I glimpsed, these gardens with rows of palm trees on the side, which you saw in the images, are located in the south of Abu Ghreib, where we have surrounded the Americans and British."
When told coalition troops occupied Baghdad airport
"The situation is excellent, they are going to try to approach Baghdad...and I believe their grave will be there."
"NO", snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport.
There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE
"Please, please! The Americans are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method."
"They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them"
"We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked"
"Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed."
"They are trying to fool you. They are showing any old pictures of buildings. They even went into the VIP section of the airport, just because Saddam Hussein may have sat in such and such a chair or slept in such and such a bed"
"We went into the airport and crushed them, we cleaned the WHOOOLE place out, they were slaughtered"
"Yes, the american troops have advanced further. This will only make it easier for us to defeat them"
"Their casualties and bodies are many."
[On surrenders] "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?"
"Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Once again, I blame al-Jazeera before it ascertains what takes place. Please, make sure of what you say and do not play such a role."
"This is unbased"
"Search for the truth. I tell you things and I always ask you to verify what I say. I told you yesterday that there was an attack and a retreat at Saddam's airport."
"I have detailed information about the situation . . . which completely proves that what they allege are illusions . . . They lie every day."
"You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay."
"This boa, the American columns, are being besieged between Basra and other towns north, west, south and west of Basra....Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there."
"By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them....Wherever they go they will find themselves encircled."
"They (the U.S.) are deceiving their soldiers and their officers that aggressing against Iraq and invading Iraq will be like a picnic. This is a very stupid lie they are telling their soldiers, what they are facing is a definite death."
"Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any langer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. I mean here that over the past two days we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target."
"Blair...is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."
"They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this."
"We will slaughter them, Bush Jr. and his international gang of bastards!"
"the louts of colonialism."
"The forces of American colonialism began to drop containers that produce a sound explosion, a very huge sound. I remind you that they said that their strategy is based on shock and awe. Those failed ones manufactured a type of container that has an explosive substance, which they drop. They cause a very huge explosion in terms of sound, as if the universe was shaken. After a while, you go out and you don't find anything. You find some nails, screws, pieces of metal, but the important thing here is the sound. Those failed ones think that through the huge sound explosion, people would be shocked and consequently would collapse and be defeated. What happened? The contrary. The fighters..., the masses..., and the heroic sons of the Iraqi tribes discovered this game. They will turn it against the American louts so as to shock them. Wait for surprises, God willing, to see how the US game will fail."
"The shock has backfired on them. They are shocked because of what they have seen. No one received them with roses. They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets. Now, the game has been exposed. Awe will backfire on them. This is the boa snake. We will extend it further and cut it the appropriate way."
"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."
"As for the mercenaries who advanced to the perimeters of
Saddam International Airport, I would like to remind you of something. I
will mention something that will make the picture clear for you and help
you to understand what took place at Saddam International Airport. Most of
you probably saw the American movie "Wag the Dog". I hope you remember it.
Some of their acts that took place at dawn yesterday and today are similar
to what happened in "Wag the Dog". If we succeed in keeping them isolated
on that island, and we are determined to do so, we might let them taste a
second mini Dien Bien Phu tonight. The European journalists remember it
well. Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they
surrender to us quickly. They are completely surrounded now. This morning,
the number of armoured personnel carriers that were destroyed, along with
their occupants, is eight. The number of the tanks destroyed is
"W. Bush, this man is a war criminal, and we will
"I think the British nation has never been faced with a tragedy like this fellow [Blair]."
"The United Nations....[is] a place for prostitution under
the feet of
"They are sick in their minds. They say they brought 65
tanks into center
"We have destroyed 50 tanks today. That 5-ohhh tanks" [while holding up his fingers]
"They are superpower of villains. They are superpower of Al Capone."
Americans are "wild donkeys" ('ALOG' in Arabic . Other possible translations offered by M.S.S. - 'The children of pigs', 'Those who have dramatically ugly faces', or 'leeches')
Americans and Brits are "Sick dogs".
"There are no Iraqis disguising themselves"
"They are retreating on all fronts. Their military effort is a subject of laughter throughout the world."
"...they are nowhere (pause)...they are nowhere, really"
"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place"
"Iraqi fighters in Umm Qasr are giving the hordes of
American and Brtish
"What they say about a breakthrough [in Najaf] is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places . . . they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."
"We have crushed the whole force which dared to venture there. Now they're outside the wall and the heroic Republican Guard is now in control of the whole area. . . . So where are those villainous louts, those mercenaries?''
"Their forces committed suicide by the hundreds.... The
battle is very
"Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them."
"They think we are retarded - they are retarded."
(leaflet drops) "I think this is very laughable for a Superpower to be so cheap to drop inside Iraq such poor things and they are printed in Kuwait''
"...crocodile tears [shed in] .. The gangster Bush's lair..." (refers to Bush and Blair at Camp David calling for the Geneva Conventions to be applied to all POWs)
"We're going to drag the drunken junkie nose of Bush through Iraq's desert, him and his follower dog Blair...There are 26 million Saddams in Iraq"
"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp"
"When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfathers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves"
"Those Iraqi fighters are slapping those gangsters on the face, and then when they flee, they will kick their backsides."
About Bush: "the leader of the international criminal gang of bastards."
"the insane little dwarf Bush"
"The midget Bush and that Rumsfield deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere."
"Rumsfeld, he needs to be hit on the head"
"Yesterday we heard this villain called Rumsfeld. He, of course, is a war criminal, and he is one of the worst of the American rulers. He said the American mercenaries and the British mercenaries, they are defending themselves inside Iraq. They are in a defensive position. They are engaged in self-defense. They are fighting a self-defense war inside Iraq. Well, congratulations, Mr. Villain, you are defending yourself inside our country. We will show you what defense means."
"Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president."
"Who is this dog Franks in Qatar?"
"Bush doesn't even know if Spain is a republic or a kingdom, how can they follow this man?"
"Whenever we attack, they retreat. When we pound them with missiles and heavy artillery, they retreat even deeper. But when we stopped pounding, they pushed to the airport for propaganda purposes.''
Any apparent American gains, he said, were a cunning ploy by the Iraqis to lure the enemy into a trap. "Our armed forces, according to their tactics, are leaving the way open"
"The capital, especially the commandos, are getting ready to wipe them out"
"We are surrounding them and pounding them. The whole trend has changed and we are going to finalize this very soon.''
"After we finish defeating all of those animals we will disclose that with facts and figures."
"Bush, Blair and Rumsfeld. They are the funny trio"
"We have shot down 2 Apache helicopters. Have the Americans said yet that they were shot down by their - what do they call it - friendly fire? No? Well... [dramatic pause, then smiles] ...not yet!"
Question: Is Saddam Hussein still alive:
"Don't believe anything! We will chase the rascals back to London!"
"We're now trying to exhaust them, until our leadership decides the time and method to clean our territory of their desecration."
"Those are mercenaries. Most probably they will be treated as mercenaries, hirelings and as war criminals. ... For sure, international law does not apply to those"
Bush "knows that he is standing in quicksand when it comes to his baseless talk on Iraq"
"This criminal (Bush) in the White House is a stupid criminal"
"They are not in Najaf. They are nowhere. They are on the moon. They are snakes in the desert..."
Iraqi opposition leaders are "bats ... and a bad American product."
"Even those who live on another planet, if there are such people, would have condemned this action before it started"
"We expect the aggressors to use anything, we don't rule out that in their depression at being vanquished, those losers will become hysterical and commit even more folly."
"They are becoming hysterical. This is the result of frustration."
On U.S. General Richard Myers: "He must be crazy"
Rumsfeld is a "crook" and "the most despicable creature."
Rumsfeld is "the worst kind of bastard"
"Our farmers, they are targeting accurately the enemy." (shooting at helicopters)
"The imperialist invading U.S. and British forces are like a snake that slithers all over the place but that doesn't control anything."
"We feed them death and hell!"
"We besieged them and killed most of them, and I think we will finish them soon."
"They are nowhere near Baghdad. Their allegations are a cover-up for their failure"
"They want to deceive their people first because now they are in a very shabby situation."
"It's a small town [Umm Qasar], it has only a few docks... now they are in a trap"
"Iraqi forces are still in control of the city, and they are engaging in an attrition war with the enemy"
"Americans are now in disarray"
"They are again in the dirt in the desert."
"They will try to enter Baghdad, and I think this is where their graveyard will be."
"Their objective is to get to the outskirts of Baghdad. So be it."
"We will see how the issue will turn out when they come to Baghdad."
"We are determined to defeat them and destroy them on the walls of our capital, as we are determined to destroy their miserable armies in every Muslim spot."
"Iraq will spread them even more and chop them up."
"The Iraqi troops and the Iraqi fighters are in control of all the places, as we have witnessed. No big change in that. We are fighting against them."
"They are achieving nothing; they are suffering from casualties. Those casualties are increasing, not decreasing."
"Fight them everywhere. Don't give them a chance to breathe until they withdraw and retreat."
"The criminals will be humiliated... To hurt the enemy more, raise the level of your attacks."
"They are lying every day. They are lying always, and mainly they are lying to their public opinion."
"You think their tanks are in an endless line coming towards us, wrong they are only a few of them and they turn around and then return as if to make a long snake"
"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future, how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place"
"In a few days, you will all witness something that can only be considered very beautiful against the Coalition forces. That, I assure you."
"we managed to chop off their rotten heads"
"There are only two American tanks in the city."
"We are winning!"